Recycled Medium

I've been thinking about what to do with long term personal challenges that have no foreseeable end in sight.  It's too easy to get obsessed with disappointment or any other form a particular pain can take.  It's also such a draining way to live. The church lady part of me is tired of pat answers.  Those familiar verses about suffering aren't comforting lately.  I don't want to be irreverent about Scripture but it's the way I feel.

Been considering again how a friend once said they loved how I made the most of everything. A treasured affirmation.  Today I'm wondering how I can make the most of hurt instead of passively letting it chip away at my soul.  Can I pick up the pain like a brush, dip it into some paint and make a picture with it?  Can I deliberately and even aggressively bring the pain to the piano and use it to write songs? Is this a way I can receive God's comfort and even meet Him in an especially personal way?

Somewhat along these lines, I encourage you, even if you're not artsy,  to look up some artists featured at RiceGallery.org.  Especially the ones from poorer countries.  It's inspiring to read about those creators who grew up with very little and yet made the most of it. Now they're making art with the simplest of materials, even discardable ones.  Their work has an appeal that is almost tangible.  

Dissociation

Here's a term I've heard a lot in my group since I've started attending Freedom Sessions, a nearly 30 week 12 step program.  Dissociation:  The disconnection or separation of something from something else or the state of being disconnected.  In psychiatry:  The separation of a group of mental processes or ideas from the rest of personality.  Extreme cases are amnesia, some forms of hysteria, or multiple personality disorders.  In situations of severe trauma, being able to dissociate or separate yourself temporarily is actually a gift.  A necessary tool for survival.  The disorder part is staying this way long after the crisis is over, when separating becomes the new normal.

What's interesting to me are the milder, subtler and more socially acceptable forms of dissociation. Really, any activity, thought or emotion can be misused to avoid facing part or all of whatever is uncomfortable or worse.

I'm humbled and awed by those I've met who have survived horrific things and are now bravely reconnecting with reality to move on in life.  They make it easier to deal with my own, less dramatic stuff.  I'm more willing to look at and admit how I've dissociated for decades.  I see that I've taken exercise and generally moving fast beyond fitness to removing myself from experiencing, thinking or feeling what isn't easy.  When I'm not speeding around physically, I've given excessive mental energy and space to reading,  to possible futures and to theoretical problem solving instead of being fully in the present.  I've also elevated my verbal wit to such a heady form of entertainment that I can avoid having to trust being loved, enjoyed and valued apart from being amusing.  And this is just the beginning.  For today, though, it's all the honesty I can serve up.  Thanks for "listening", whoever is reading this out there.