Last weekend I took part in the graduation service for our group who survived the 27 week, twelve step program called "Freedom Sessions". Each of us had 2 minutes to give a statement about three things: 1.Why we joined Freedom Sessions 2. Our major breakthroughs or lessons learned 3. How we plan to give back after all we've received.
It was hard to muster up what I needed in order to even attend the evening. As I said to those gathered, it was like I was Jacob, wrestling with the angel of the Lord for 27 weeks on Friday nights and I was still limping. It was tricky for me to come up with a giving back commitment. The obvious one for me in the past would have been serving as a facilitator/discussion leader for the next year. Right now I'm still feeling like the wind has knocked out of me and that's the last thing I could do. I did say that I'd continue blogging about this process and creating art about it, as well as making an effort to stay in community in some form.
I wonder what people feel like who've had open heart surgery and if it's like this. I guess this has been more like an open soul procedure. There are some times now when I have a firsthand sense of what "normal" and "whole" is. Miraculous, really. Still many others, though, like this afternoon, when I'm off kilter, desperately lonely and wanting to escape it all. I guess one point of progress for me is seeing more clearly exactly what triggers this. Today it was discovering people going to a concert within their apparently blissful network of friendships and me being, still, completely outside this world that, for me, is like the ultimate candy store. Our Freedom Session workbooks would ask something like: Do I believe God cares about this? How would someone act in this situation who believed God cared about them? I now have more than my default response to choose from.
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