Forget-me-not

     Earlier this spring I started over in my Bible reading with Genesis, which I love.  But now I'm mired down in the end of Exodus, wading in some despair through laws about priestly garments and tabernacle furniture.  Normally I wouldn't think twice about this. I'd analyze symbolic meanings, have mental aha's and go on with my cerebral day.  However, as part of my Freedom Session assignments (see entry called Flavors of Denial) I'm having to let myself feel, not just think.  So I pull out my feeling side with God and tell Him," Just when I want a comforting story or kind words I get this!  More brain stuff!"

     This morning when I dutifully read Exodus 28 I suddenly noticed the last verse like a forget-me-not saying,"..that I might dwell among them."  It made me think of Brad Jersak's book Can You Hear Me?. He writes about people becoming aware of God's nearness, not just vaguely but in very specific, almost humorous ways. Like on the sofa next them or standing in that corner of the room leaning against some furniture.

     Today I needed know that God is dwelling in the midst of my life.  Right in my family.  Right between me and my soul stuff and my husband and my kids and their soul stuff. He's actually in the house with us and with me when I have a day home alone. That's what the holy garments and furniture in Exodus boil down to.  When I feel desolate and lacking a kindred spirit God is close by, listening to me, loving me.  Most of the time I don't actually feel like He is.  I'd like to more often.

Flavours of Denial

This year I've joined a 9 month long 12 step program called Freedom Sessions. Intense.  It identifies dysfunctional attitudes and behaviours with their sources and works toward healthy alternatives.  Might get a few blog entries.  Later some reasons for doing this will likely follow.  The first couple weeks were about denial and its faces.  I do like lists so here's the summary for you:

    1. Simple denial - pretending a problem doesn't exist

    2. Minimizing - acknowledging a problem exists not the extent or intensity of it

    3. Rationalizing - making excusing to justify dysfunctional behaviour

    4. Intellectualizing - dealing with a problem only intellectually or generally

    5. Blaming - maintaining that the problem's responsibility lies somewhere other than with me

    6. Diversion - changing the subject, joking or tuning out to avoid closely dealing with a problem

    7. Bargaining - setting conditions or making deals for when to deal with the problem

    8. Passivity - ignoring the situation or being its victim

    9. Hostility - attacking others or being irritable to scare others away from addressing my problem

(Boy this ice cream picture is really distracting.  I don't know whether or not to change it.)

Kees and Lucy

      Even though my life is pretty good right now, I still have to tell myself to be intentionally grateful.  For today I'm grateful for two of my co-workers at the greenhouse.  One is Lucy, a fiery redhead in her mid fifties.  She's always good for a warm hello and quick chit chat about creative ideas or whatever.  Today she made sure I knew there was candy in the small staff cottage in the middle of the store and soon after she came over to where I was working and tossed me some.  The other person is Kees, a Dutchman in his 60's, bald and very tanned with a huge grin and heavy accent.  Kees is a walking party.  He likes to say outrageous things and loves to laugh.  He pretends to be a customer and asks me if we have any geraniums when I'm standing in a sea of them.  Real customers love him too and always leave with a smile.

Speaking of comfort zones

    Grade seven was the year I discovered full blown anxiety about public speaking.  (I'd been working up to this since grade 4 with piano recitals ) Awkward adolescence only fueled the intensity of this.  In grade ten I coped by giving a speech about nervousness and its symptoms.  Mildly self-entertaining, but I was still anxious, shy and uncomfortable.

    I've spent most of my life making comments from the sidelines like a self-appointed court jester on the bleachers of life.  This year something else is getting the better of me.  I don't know if it's a genetic time bomb.  My dad has been a preacher and Bible teacher for over 50 years of talking in public.   For me it's coming out when I lead a small worship group once a month.  In theory I could just pick songs and jump into the music without saying a word.  In practice there's no way.  In spite of myself I'm actually starting to make eye contact with a few people while I say something devotional or anecdotal before we sing.  The impulse to be self-depreciating or awkwardly self-conscious is disappearing. 

   I'd still much rather just play and sing on a worship team than be in charge.  Some of my happiest times in life are at the piano with a band and a good leader.  It's curious to me that being put outside my music comfort zone is bringing out new things. I don't know yet why.  It's making me look around at other people with their comfort zones and I wonder what else is waiting to come out of their personalities.

Outside

    Our family has been in a care group/home Bible study for all our years as a family.  Until this one.  Last summer our host family of several years said they weren't able to continue next year. Other group members were fine with the entire group being disbanded. 
 
     I didn't think I'd be so disappointed.  That regular meeting/chatting/praying time with familiar people had been like a sofa  - comfortable, supportive, relaxing and refreshing - in the living room of my life. I didn't know where to park myself.  I'd hear about other small groups and wish they'd have pity and take us in like freezing orphans in the snow.

    Meanwhile most of a year has passed.  We still don't have a new care group.  My husband doesn't feel the need for one.  I miss it.  Several months ago I started volunteering again in the worship time at our church's weekly Celebrate Recovery nights.  I guess this group, most of whom are recovering addicts, is people who often feel like "orphans in the snow".  I imagine we all want to belong somewhere.  Sometimes I wonder if the people who seem to be "in" and "belong" really feel that way.  Do they ever feel like they're outside? 

   In a way there's a new balance in my life.  On one side of the scale I still feel wistful when friends talk about their home groups.  On the other side I'm also pretty comfortable in my Friday night sphere of so-called "outsiders". I have a place to park myself for now.

   

   

Detours and Pillars

    Once a month I get to lead worship at a small church event called Celebrate Recovery. Here's the mini devotional I gave last weekend before our singing time.

    I've come around again to the book of Exodus in my Bible reading and wanted to tell you a few things that encouraged me this week.  The context is right after God miraculously rescued the Israelites from slavery in Egypt.  They are transitioning from captivity to freedom, travelling out in the desert and heading toward the Red Sea.  They are quick to be suspicious of God and His motives, even though He has just done many wonders on their behalf.  Here are three verses that tell us and the Israelites why God can be trusted.

    The first verse is Exodus 13:17 which says God led Israel on an intentional detour out of His mercy.  The shortest, most direct path would have overwhelmed Israel with enemies and fighting they weren't ready for. 

    The second verse is 13:2. It says that the Lord led them in a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night so they could travel by day and night.  I'd never noticed before that the pillar of fire was so they could keep going at night, not just for warmth, light or reassurance.  God's guiding and help in moving forward is there 24 hours a day, not just at certain times.

    And finally Exodus 14:19, "The angel of God, who had been going before the camp of Israel, moved and went behind them...and stood between them (Israel and the pursuing Egyptians)."  When our enemies get the most aggressive God moves in a more obvious way to stand between us and our attackers. 

    I hope you are encouraged today that God is for us and can be trusted where we are on our life path.

Final Gifts

    My friend June has been telling me about her 90 year old mother dying slowly but beautifully. The medical staff say her mother is hallucinating, but she is more lucid than usual. Sometimes she sees a person in white behind her.  People who have already died.  Or someone wonderful but she doesn't know who it is.

    The hospice book "Final Gifts" says this is common for the dying. A thinning curtain between our seen and the unseen world.  It's a gift of comfort in transition for the going and for the staying.  A thin space.  I heard this term for the first time a couple weeks ago at an arts guild weekend retreat.  A familiar concept to those with less conservative backgrounds than mine. Thin spaces are physical places that are often borders, like shores or edges of groves, where the spiritual world is said to be more readily apparent.  June's mother's room has become such a place in recent weeks.  Hard for June but poignantly lovely at the same time.

About Me

Here's some info. on me, the blogger, to get us started.  How about interview style?

Interviewer:  So, blogger, what can you tell us about your background? 

Blogger:  Well, I'm an MK, or missionary kid. I grew up mostly in Europe and some in N. America.  My home was bi-cultural and bilingual, German/English.  I'm the oldest of 3 kids.  While I was young my dad started 3 Bible Schools, two of which are still running.  One thing led to another,  I married a Canadian, had 2 kids and have lived generally in the same area for a record breaking 13 years now. 

Interviewer:  What do you do professionally?  

Blogger:  I've been a stay at home mom for a long time and only recently started some part time work at a greenhouse.  However I've been a musician since elementary school and like to think I do this professionally. Sometimes for money.  Usually not.  I'm also an artist...drawing, painting usually and getting into a bit of creative writing and composing again. I volunteer for this and that at my church.  I've also been taking very occassional  courses in specialized kinesiology through an organization called Canask.  

Interviewer:  And what has brought you to this place in cyberspace? 

Blogger: Um, actually I like to talk and don't always have enough people around me to talk with.  A certain section of my people time is me listening more than speaking.  I also love to read, learn and think about all sorts of things and want to share this somehow.  Even though I'm living a fairly "ordinary" life now, I've been to some interesting places and had a few adventures that I'd like to pass on.  

Interviewer:  Thank you for your time.  Can we connect again at a later date?

Blogger:  Sure, sounds good.  Thank you. 

(Really, I'm not schizophrenic....)