Blue Thread

There's a built-in loneliness in my life.  A thin blue thread that is stitched through every one of my days.  I live with much kindness I dare not take for granted. I am blessed with it. But it is a kindness that does not and can never understand or love what I love.  We are oil and water.  Two paths along the river with few bridges between them.  Two sets of dreams that will never meet.

It has been a major reason for me to go through these months of Freedom Sessions.  About 5 weeks remain and I wonder if there's been any progress in my soul.  I look at our homework questions this week:

1. What do I believe about Jesus Christ on this issue? Do I believe He cares about this?
2.  Do I believe God can help me deal with this in a better way?
3.  How would a person who does believe God cares about this pain or issue respond?

I honestly get stuck at the question of whether God cares. Or rather what difference it makes tangibly in my life.  Sure, I can believe He cares, but if my life does not change, does it really matter or mean anything? I don't want to be irreverent.  I also cannot pretend.  Today I journaled and looked back at another blue thread season in my life.  We prayed 8 long years for a second child.  It was as if we lived in mourning for someone who had never arrived.  We offered faith that didn't understand anything.  It was all we had. From today I see the brighter thread that has since been tied to and stitched from the first one. She's nearly 10 now.

But how can this ongoing thing be redeemed? If I truly believed God cared, wouldn't I calmly trust that all this had a good purpose and outcome?  That something beneficial and even beautiful could come in the midst of this and eventually out of it.  Wouldn't I be looking harder and more eagerly for the daily evidences of Divine Love that knows me and takes care of my soul's needs in unexpected ways? I do see them.  Gifts that feed me along the path. Gifts I cannot lean on, but they sustain me.  I want to believe today when I cannot understand.  I long for the brighter thread I may see only in the next world.