Resurrected

      Ok, not quite back from the dead, but I'm feeling more "myself"since the last entry. A pretty low point in a low season.  Driving up to an object or event looks much different from leaving it again. A good deal of me never wants to look back.  Done and done. But, the tiny voice in my head says give it a quick review.  Something useful may emerge.

     Frankly I feel embarrassed at how depressive I actually was, and probably still can tend toward being at times.  Is all my writing about hard stuff? Moping? I am challenged by other people who are perpetually near drowning under their own lives.  They gravitate toward me.  I find it somewhat draining long term and don't want to be like that for others. This is less consideration and more my excessive fear of seeming weak or needy.

      A few discoveries along the recent way to healing physically and otherwise.  Not rocket science, but the whole trouble started with a very hard season of life, not surprisingly for me around music. Someone else took over the piano completely several years ago for some months where I normally played with a band. Back then my music was me.  I felt annihilated.  No separate sense of self.  No long term perspective on the situation. Almost immediately I needed two root canals.  Things went steadily down hill from then on.  Rejection, stuck literally in my jaw.  Eventually broad scale deterioration on a few levels. Me rejecting myself.

     A holistic practitioner excavated more foundations of self-rejection that I had to renounce. Literally had to, to survive.  Recently, there are more glimmers of my objective identity.  My unconditional worth. This gets tested all the time.  Some people's opinion matters far more to me than most.  Some really see, know and even like me.  When they are preoccupied or even move out of town I can't be leaning on any of it.